Trade Away the Whole Team and Four Other Easy Ways The Red Sox Can Bring Back Mookie Betts

All I’m saying is that the Dodgers shouldn’t count their chickens before they hatch.


After being traded to the Los Angeles Dodgers by the Boston Red Sox in early 2020, Mookie Betts has signed an extension to stay in a Dodger uniform until the end of the 2032 season.  As first reported by Lou Merloni of WEEI, this blockbuster contract of 12 years for $365 million became official on July 22nd, a date that will live in infamy for Red Sox fans for generations.  This signing effectively quashed the idea that the Sox knew what they were doing in trading Betts for a year to free up cap space so they could re-sign him as a free agent in the upcoming offseason.


This is a sad day in Boston and a happy day in LA, which just makes Boston sadder.  Betts had the potential of becoming the best right fielder or even best player overall in Red Sox history, after racking up four All-Star appearances, four Gold Gloves, an MVP award, two Silver Sluggers, and a World Series title in the past four years.  Despite this, Boston and team owner John Henry (who has a net worth of $2.9 billion) decided that they didn’t want to pay the second-best player in baseball what he is worth, and opted to go with Alex Verdugo in right field, a decent at best player who has recently faced assault allegations.  Cool.


But fret not fellow Red Sox fans, I have put together a shortlist of five EASY ways that the team could bring Mookie back so he can finish his career in Boston.


1 – Offer The Dodgers A Comprehensive Trade Package


Now, I know that this seems unlikely.  The Dodgers currently have the best lineup in baseball so there isn’t much that we could offer them in exchange for Mookie.  However, I doubt John Henry and Red Sox General Manager Chaim Bloom have considered this:  Trade every single player currently on the Red Sox in exchange for Mookie Betts.  I know that sounds strange, and you may even be wondering how the Red Sox could even play baseball with only one player on the team.  But remember, John Henry also is the primary owner of the Liverpool Football Club, so maybe he could make some of those soccer players learn how to play baseball.


2 – Convince The Dodgers To Relocate Their Team To Boston So Mookie Has To Come Back.


This plan may be the most feasible.  The LA Dodgers started their tenure as the Brooklyn Dodgers, so a return to the east coast for the sake of tradition isn’t too much of a longshot.  However, since there are already two teams in New York and adding a third would be a hassle, the next best option would be Beantown.  And if that happens, then Mookie would be back in Boston which is what we all want.  Well, I mean, it’s close enough.


3 – Start a Bowling Team to Make Mookie Jealous, Mookie Loves Bowing.


Yeah, I’m pulling out the nuclear option here, but I think it’s necessary.  For those unfamiliar with Mookie Betts, not only is he one of the most talented players to ever step foot on a baseball field, but he is also an incredible bowler.  His career includes 3 perfect games and multiple Pro Bowling Association Championships.  So, if the Red Sox core of Xander Bogaerts, Rafael Devers, Andrew Benintendi, and Chris Sale all get matching bowling shirts and start a team in a local bowling league in Boston, Mookie will feel incredibly jealous that his old pals are playing one of his favorite games without him and will be desperate to come back. 


4 – John Henry Can Say That His Phone Was Hacked, He Never Meant To Trade Betts


Oh no!  What a shame!  Those good-for-nothing hackers sent messages to the Dodgers from John Henry’s phone and he was none the wiser.  Well, you can’t hold that against the Red Sox, can you?  And if that doesn’t work, maybe they could blame autocorrect.  Perhaps Boston was just interested in trading their “belts” with Los Angeles, and silly ol’ autocorrect messed everything up.


(And before you come for me saying that lying is wrong, apparently MLB commissioner and general dickhead Rob Manfred doesn’t have a problem with lying in order to get what you want.)


5 – Invent and Perfect Time Travel To Stop The Sox From Completing The Trade-In The First Place


Before you say that there is no way that the Red Sox could invent a time machine to stop this trade without severely messing with the fabric of time, I will remind you that John Henry is worth ALMOST 3 BILLION DOLLARS.  He can go convince those nerds at MIT to throw something together and voila!  Mookie will be back in Boston, and will never have played a game in a Dodger uniform.  Problem solved!


I present this information to the Red Sox Organization with the hope, nay, DEMAND, that you make your best effort to bring back Mookie.  If not, it’s very likely that we will find ourselves in the middle of the Curse of the Betts and go another 86 years without a World Series Title.  And if that’s the case, well, I guess I’ll write a follow up to this in 2104.

By: Matt Beaune

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